Coffee with Karan

As I was completing my routine jog around the MCG today morning, I spotted a curious tourist, who looked very familiar. He was just stretching his hands out and looking towards the sky and trying to picture someone in front of the majestic stadium. It was at that time, my mental google popped up with one search result…. The one and only Karan Johar

Knowing fairly well that he cant say no to coffee, I asked him if we could have guppa over a cup of coffee, and he obliged as expected.

So what transpired in the ten minute tete-a-tete was a free exchange of concerns and ideas..here are the excerpts

Me: So Karan, what brings you to Down Under.. leaving your adopted metropolis, NewYork

Karan: Shahrukh complained to me that he was bored of enacting his trademark ‘spread the arms-look up to the sky- release that fatally explosive constipated smile’ act in London and New York.. so here I am scouting for a new location, and have almost finalized on MCG for the next project

Me (*thrilled): So, you have got the concept ready for your next project?
Karan:You must be kidding. Story, Screenplay and Dialogues will follow later. All my projects begin with addressing Shah Rukh ‘s whims and fancies

Me: Just between the two of us. Can you please tell me how you ensured every Indian watched KANK in the first week

Karan:That’s a simple trick. If they praise the product, I ask them to spread the word, and if they come up to me taking an unfavourable stand even without watching the movie , I give them a cold stare and tell them not to go by some word of mouth, and find out for themselves J. Either way, they land up watching the movie.

Me: What is the idea behind making movies that span for more than three hours. I presume you have a misconception about an eternal classic. Just to clarify, it is certainly not a movie that goes on till eternity.

Karan: See, this is where my second source of revenue comes into the picture. I don’t care if the movie goer cries all through the movie, but what is important is that the snacks counter folks should laugh their way to the Bank, so I make it as long as possible so that the sale of popcorn and cool drinks increase manifold, and I take a cut from that too!

Me: What about your third source of revenue which is from the sale of DVDs?
Karan: Good that you brought about this point. To be honest, I am not expecting great returns from DVD sales, and instead I have struck gold with KANK, by contracting with the para military forces. The deal is that, whenever they run out of tear gas during any riot control operations, they would screen KANK on the streets, to bring about the same effect. Is there a better way to make people weep for more than three hours?

He then excused himself as he had to catch the next flight to Sydney, to check if the Opera House was a viable option as well. By then I was awestruck by the innovative commercial acumen of Johar Junior, and felt reassured that Bollywood was in very safe hands indeed.

Total Disclaimer: The entire episode is purely a figment of my imagination (right from the morning jog till the feeling of reassurance)